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Do you sit there and search for answers to help yourself? Do you think
you are into self-help but deep down wish or wait for someone to save
you, help you or make you better?
Do you fantasise about becoming rich, fit, funny or popular and think
you will feel better then?
Helping yourself is about going inwards to discover what is true.
There is the truth of the way 'It' is which is more in the domain of
spirituality, and then there is your truth that is more in the domain
of self-help.
There is the truth of you as a seemingly separate object we call a
person - your experience of life; your emotional truth, your
perceptions and interpretations and ideas of the way you and the world
are.
The Open Secret
And the secret of self-help is to start with being brutally honest
about what is true for you in each moment.
If you are angry or sad or worried then let it be OK that you are
having this experience. All experiences are valid, there are no right
or wrong experiences.
If there is something there in your experience then it is there, end of
story.
Human beings get into trouble and cause suffering for themselves by
denial and resistance. Denial of what is there. How silly
when you think about it. Denying
what is actually there, resisting what is actually there.
When you become aware and more conscious you will see just how often
you feel the impulse to lie.
You lie to yourself and this is usually not overly obvious to you. You
act incongruent with your feelings and you think it is the proper thing
to do.
Sometimes it is obvious and you make it OK for you to lie and
perform.
You often pretend. You know you pretend. You put on a
performance to
fit in a crowd or maintain a self-image.
Then afterward you head home and feel deep down that there must be
something wrong with you if you have to pretend.
You have made yourself not OK enough because you had to pretend.
Your experience in this moment is valid! It is just as valid as the
most popular person in the room. It is as valid as the most powerful
person.
Your experience; your feelings and your thoughts are valid.
This may not be the first choice preferred experience and given a
choice you might choose something else, but the 'part' of you that
would choose another experience is not going about this in the best way.
Have you ever stopped to notice there is a 'you-part' that wants
another 'you-part' to go away or change?
For you to want to change there must be a split going on. One part of
you is judging the other part as not good enough.
So What Is Self-Help?
Self-help for me is first of all becoming honest. Always be as
congruent in your whole being as you can.
Now, there are certain social and cultural norms and manners that
dictate that we should not always speak our mind and pretend to be
polite and courteous and put on a brave face.
This is OK but I am really talking about YOUR emotional orientation to
your feelings and experience.
As you sit there feeling ungrateful or ignored or abandoned are you OK
with feeling these as a valid human experience?
Or, as you pretend to be gracious and confident are you silently
stacking guilt and shame on top of the feelings of ungratefulness?
Why not just be honest in your emotional orientation to these feelings
and say internally, 'I am having
these feelings and it is a valid
experience?'
Maybe tomorrow, or if you are aware in that moment, you can get some
insight into why those feelings are there and work to understand and
release them.
However, the main point is to first be completely honest and
acknowledge that what is there for you is there and is valid.
Remove denial and resistance from your tool box and learn to live
freely.
Part of this is the awareness to be responsible for your experience.
I don't suggest you chose these feelings and I don't suggest you have
done something wrong (which creates guilt) or you are something
fundamentally bad (which creates shame) but you do need to recognise
the truth.
The truth is that this experience in this moment is happening in your
awareness. It is your experience, don't blame others.
It is happening now inside you!
Someone could call me and you ugly. I will not register any emotion.
You might be devastated and sulk for two days.
Whose responsibility is it for your devastation? You won't have chosen
to feel devastated but nevertheless that experience is there.
And it has all happened in your awareness and experience.
The hearing of the words, the interpretation and the emotional reaction
has all happened inside you and so that is your responsibility.
The external condition or occurrence did not come pre-packaged with
these feelings you are experiencing. How could they, they have
not even
changed my emotional state?
What remains is for you to notice your experience, take responsibility
for feeling this way and don't pass judgment over whether it is right
or wrong to feel this way.
For one, the feeling will pass in a much shorter time frame and two,
you will be more aware of why you reacted this way.
Then, through many self-help techniques you can begin to remove the
reason you reacted this way.
Your feelings are your teachers to help you learn about yourself. Your
feelings will direct you to higher consciousness and inner peace if you
accept and listen to them. When this happens you welcome feelings.
Feelings are welcome because I use them to self-help me. I clear away
more false ideas I have about the world and me.
As you remove the false ideas, simply be here now and welcome your
experience, your inner peace grows, your self-esteem grows, you become
more effective and happier and you return to feeling part of the world
and not a part separate in the world.
This is self-help for me.
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