lost love

by Jacinta
(UK)

I am alwayz afraid to tell others exactly what i think because i dont want to hurt anybody so most times i experience pain in silence.This leads to negative thoughts- like for example i could be arguing with someone in my head, cursing and yelling and feeling guilty for not standing up for myself. Deep down i feel nothing but anger and fear. i recently found myself wondering how come i have so much fear.i wasnt alwayz like this..cant be sure about the turning point but the biggest impact came when i fell in love.Two years ago i met this guy,we dated for a while before i fell heads over heels in love. it was the best feeling i have ever had.For a few months i was very happy...i overlooked everything he did, and looking back that was the trap.i would never admit it to myself that i was being controlled.Finally, his true colours were starting to show and for the next 1yr i was dying in silence. All those names he called me and bad things he said really destroyed me emotionally. all my friends stopped talking to me,not to brag but i was popular because am friendly or at least try to be.Soon after, i hated myself so much that i developed a phobia for going outside the house.i had created this 'perfect' image which i tried so hard to hold on to- in other words i was worried about what others would think.to cut the story short i have been single for a year but that doest mean am healed. i just want to be the best person i can be...this is very frustrating at times when i try to work out who am i, whats my purpose, why am lacking this or that...am i going crazy by b-living everything is my own doing..can it(life) really be that simple. life is supposed to be tough..please tell me am not crazy.